Much Knowing
Primary Academy’s
Christmas Concert
If you're planning a festive performance this Christmas, may we suggest that you read this cautionary tale by Dr Chris Lowe..?
We are supporting Much Knowing Primary School’s decision to take its Christmas concert to new technological, digital and televisual heights.
The Head, Mr Cleverly, after due consultation, has announced that "classes would be electronically linked so that the Christmas concert could be broadcast throughout the school via CCTV."
We thought such a brave, innovative approach deserved wider publicity, and so we sent our school liaison executive to sit in on Miss Hannah Hope’s 3H rehearsal. Our executive found that as with previous 18th, 19th and 20th century attempts to introduce new machinery and technology, there was much scepticism and questioning.
Miss Hope introduced 3H to the project...
"Now children, it has been decided that this Christmas the school will put on a school concert, with each class contributing an item which will then be seen by the rest of the school via our closed-circuit television.
No, Arthur that was not Mr Clever Clogs… I mean Mr. Cleverly’s… decision…. He is the headmaster and could have decided himself….. but it was a democratic decision…. No, not a DEMON CRITIC decision, Arthur, ‘democratic’….. well, it might be what your grandad calls democracy….. yes, I know he was a trade union official and ought to know….. but take it from me, the word is ‘democratic’ and it means doing what the majority of the people want….
Yes, I know Maisie, you may not have wanted it, but most pupils did….. and the staff did; Mr Cleverly told us so …. and, yes, you are right…. you did not get a vote this year, Maisie…. it was decided by the top juniors….. and the senior staff …but you will get a vote in the future…..
Well, you may think it unfair, Frank, but the decision has been made, so that’s that….. and it was made by a vote of pupils as well as staff ….
What did you say, Maisie?... No, I doubt whether you will be allowed to vote to abolish school when it is your turn to vote…..
What’s the good of voting if someone else decides what you can vote on?....is that what you asked, Evie?.... well, that is how democracy works…..you’ll get to understand it….
Anyway, we are wasting time….
Now listen to me, Class 3H…. we will be providing the school band for the concert. We will be playing the Marching Tune that we have been practising for the past two weeks…… I KNOW you did not vote for it, Arthur….. nobody did….It was my decision…… yes, I know that was not democratic….. nor demonic either, Billie….. I decided it would be just up our street…. Well, you will just have to accept it….just get ready now!
No, Cedric, I do not think I am being hypocritical…..
That’s not correct, Maddie, your daddy did not take the hypocritical oath.…… it was the ‘Hippocratic oath’…. It’s when doctors swear to uphold high standards….
No, Arthur, that’s not the same as your dad’s swearing. I’m quite sure when your dad swears he is not upholding high standards……but there are different ways to swear, you see…..
ARTHUR! I do not want examples of all the ways you can swear……ARTHUR, please!
We will now see what you have remembered from our previous rehearsals, shall we…. everyone stand and turn to your left, all right?….,
Why did you turn to your RIGHT, Arthur?… I see, because I said ‘all right’…. my mistake, but you are the only one who did not understand, Arthur…. OK! You are the only one who got it right!.... I’m not arguing any more….. everyone turn round….NOT YOU, Arthur…. You are already facing right!
Good…. Now we can do the Marching Tune….. you first, Arthur….get your imaginary drum ready…....It is not on your head, Arthur…. It is in front of you… it does NOT go bang, crash, wallop….. it is not a big bass drum…. It is an imaginary small side drum…. fastened around your neck and played at your front…. And it goes tickety, tickety tick……. a quiet drum roll….. that’s it…. excellent, you are really good at it…. and now the bugles…. Those very clever toilet rolls glued together…. good, well done, bugles!…..and now all you flutes….. a really imaginative use of pencils….. keep going….
Join in now trumpets…. Blow hard down your rolled-up paper….. yes, Maisie…. I can see yours is drooping…. don’t’ be silly, Maddie, it’s not like your little brother’s ‘Billy’…. and it’s not a ‘billy’, it’s a….. oh never mind, just keep blowing….and marching round…
That’s it…. . Good…..not too loud…. I said…..NOT TOO LOUD…. I know Mr. Cleverly can turn the sound down on the TV…. but thirty of you in the band!.... it’s splitting my head…….STOP…..
That’s better…..phew…… sit down and take a rest …..
Right 3H, we are now going to watch 3 C on the TV screen practise their piece for the concert so that Mr. Cleverly…… I heard that, Arthur….. I did not say Devilry. I have already warned you about calling people names. One more and you will not be in the band……is that clear….
Mr. Cleverly, I am telling you, wishes to test that the TV system works….and we are here to help him.
Now everybody, watch the screen and you will see Mister Carr’s class about to perform…. The Class Captain, Goran Czerniiawski will introduce 3C’s item…. There he is….. on the screen…. welcome to Goran……
There is no need to whistle, Freddie……just clap….. politely…. Goran has not sprouted wings, Arthur…. They are his ears…. and he appears to have tied balloons around them…. quite humorous, isn’t it….. so, please do not be disrespectful…. It is very bad manners….
3C do not look like a zoo, Evie…. They are very nicely lined up….now, everyone, listen to the 3C choir….
Yes, Mr. Carr we can hear you and see them…… CHILDREN!…there’s really no need for all of you to shout ‘they’re behind you!’…. we can see they are…
Do you hear what Goran is saying… 3C has updated a carol to fit the modern age….. ‘We Three Kings’ is it, Mr. Carr?….that’s interesting, isn’t it, children? I wonder how they have modernised it….Here they go…."
We the kids of 3C are;
We’re the tops; we are the star
Off to yonder canteen we go,
Following Mister Carr.
(Silence)
"Is that it, Mr. Carr?.... Oh, it is…. I see…. they are still working on the refrain…. Right…. I am not sure what direction it is going in, Mr. Carr….. no, Arthur, that is not the direction it is going in…not necessarily….
Thank you, Mr. Carr and 3C….. I think we have proved the technology works……. Oh!... they’ve disappeared….. perhaps I accidentally switched them off….That’s a shame, isn’t it?"