The Growing Problem of INCEL Culture
In this article, Marilyn Hawes of Freedom From Abuse examines the growing issue of INCELs and how those young people who align themselves with this culture can be helped and supported.
What are INCELs?
INCEL means involuntary celibate. Is it a mindset? Is it about self-image? Are these beliefs brought on by the inability to cope and manage rejection? Do INCELs struggle with their own masculinity?
These are thoughts many teens ask themselves at some point.
Understanding INCEL Ideology
When young males are dedicated to a belief, it’s important to realise just how much value they derive from the INCEL ideology. And the answer is: probably next to nothing. Holding this ideology is just making them sadder than they already are.
They may be getting some degree of companionship and sympathy as part of an INCEL group, and they may also think that they are getting answers to the question of why their lives are the way they are. However, this companionship and sympathy is of the deranged and unhelpful variety, and the answers won’t lead them in a positive direction. Often, when a young male considers themselves to be an INCEL, they decide that they are an unfixable case. The first step to change is realising that they are fixable. They should be encouraged to think of the life they want, and examine how to get there, in concrete terms.
First, these males must break down exactly what they don’t like about themselves. Then, divide those things into two categories: things they can control, and things they can’t. They should examine those areas and ask themselves what any improvements would look like and what is their goal. Then, break that massive goal into smaller “chunks.”
It is important that these goals and strategies are manageable.
For example, if they are concerned with fitness, they should schedule a light workout every day. Even three push ups a day will work, if it's an improvement on what they were doing previously! This should become a locked-in habit. It’s much better to start improving oneself at a reasonable pace, rather than throwing oneself at a new life like a maniac only to give up after a week.
Are these males’ attitudes to females based on a breadth of real experience with adults, or just a few unfortunate encounters with girls of their age, along with things they read from Reddit and took at face value? Can they really say that they understand women? Would they take a girl seriously if she said she understood all men, and thought they were uniformly awful?
Managing Rejection
If a person has built their whole mindset around the idea that they are an unsuitable mate, and that women are hateful creatures who loath men, that programming is going to take a long time to erase.
When these boys reach a point where one rejection won’t shatter them, it may be time to reach out to members of the opposite sex.
No amount of advice is going to make rejection fun, especially constant rejection. This is the kind of rejection that would drive someone to become an INCEL. Rejection will always sting and the rejected person will undoubtedly feel pain and embarrassment. However, while they can’t change their feelings, they can absolutely change how they frame those feelings. A change of mindset could change their life in a big way and could pull them away from INCEL-dom.
It’s easy to take rejection personally, because when someone rejects you, it can feel like someone has passed judgment on your entire personhood. This can be wounding, because someone’s personhood has been developed through years of struggle and pain, and in spite of all their good and redeeming qualities, they have been passed over, possibly in favour of someone else.
What’s happening when you are rejected is that you’re being judged on someone’s impression of you. This is only a partial slice of your personality. It essentially consists of how you look, your social status, and how good you are at talking to people. This is not everything a person is. In fact, if you consider the breadth of a person's whole experience, it’s a relatively small part.
A good coping mechanism is to imagine that you yourself are rejecting someone who you feel is unsuitable for you. During the process of rejecting them, would you take the time to peer into their complex inner life, consider the entire content of their character, and take a delicate, balanced measurement of their attractiveness? No. A snap judgment would be made, and you would quickly decide that you’re not buying what they’re selling.
Knowing this can make rejection feel less significant. It can also make it clear how people should deal with rejection, and learn to not take it as a damning criticism ones entire being.
Finding a Healthier Internet Community
REDDIT is where most of the INCEL action happens. Reddit happens to have a bunch of toxic waste dumps like the INCEL subreddits, but, it also hosts a huge number of great communities.
Other harmful sites include 4Chan, Parler, TikTok, Discord, Twitch and Instagram
Fortunately, here are many Redditors whose hobby is giving people support.
On r/Askmen, you can find lots of men who are happy to give advice from a male perspective, or to just chat on about any issues. They can offer support and guidance.
Struggles with depression can be dealt with in a supportive environment at r/Depression.
Whatever the specific problems are, these males should be reassured that they are not alone. Just like a little bit of INCEL complaining can make them feel desperate, a little bit of Internet reinforcement can inspire hope.
Algorithms on social media, take you down a rabbit hole from which it is hard to surface!
Real-life Support
Ultimately, there’s no substitute for real-life friends who can help and provide companionship. This can be difficult if the boy is socially isolated. Many INCELs don’t get along with their families and don’t really know anybody else.
Fortunately, if they live in any place larger than a small town, there’s always a group activity that will be open to them - yoga is healthy and relaxing. Martial arts can improve fitness and discipline. There are many options.
If they are more introverted, lots of book shops hold book clubs, where they can engage in deep, guided discussion with intelligent people.
Relationships can be built in these environments - making friends is work, but it’s not as much work as staying alive if you’re spending all your time on a truly depressing internet forum!